We already know your address. You have a working cellular phone which means we all know where you are at all times. You can tacitly grant permission to opt of ever typing in your address again by simply clicking purchase on this product. Our terms and conditions allow for no refunds. Any damage caused by our products, our affiliate companies products, or anyone with the name Rick, John, or Alex , are hereby subject to arbitration and mediation. By purchasing this product, you are agreeing to never sue or press charges against our company, our affiliate companies, or anyone named Rick, John, or Alex, even if responsible for significant or fatal bodily injury.
By purchasing this product you are agreeing to grant BTPH INC. access to all of your medical records. This information will not be shared with any third parties unless you have a very tiny penis or your vagina seems like it might be kinda funny shaped. Those pictures are shared to a separate employee server along with your personal information, including your address, telephone number, every picture in your phone, and a live feed of you straight from your phone camera. We will monitor your actions and behavior to determine if you should be ridiculed publicly.
BTPH INC. will continuously monitor your devices and collect data through all camera devices in your vicinity to determine if you have poor mental or physical health, and report such concerns to all governmental agencies (excluding the CDC or veteran's hospitals). These will be used to assist in determing who might be a candidate for our biannual purge that we hold in partnership with the NSA and dark sectors of the CIA.
Finally, by purchasing this product, you're agreeing to yield all of your personal assets, and the assets of your immediate offspring to BTPH INC. in perpetuity until the sun swallows everything that's ever existed, or ever will, into the void of nothingness. At that point, you will cede 50% of all earnings, as the terms of the agreement have reached their mid-point, changing the agreement to a much more lucrative deal for the consumer.
